Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart
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90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. “Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?” “Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”.
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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked..
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A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”
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An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix…. they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it’s removed you find out you actually didn’t really need it anyway.
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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.
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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
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“Congratulations, my boy!” said the uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.” “But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” the groom protested. “I know,” replied the uncle. “That’s what I mean.”
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I just got back from a pleasure trip – I drove my wife to the airport.
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A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. Right now, “no,” the young woman answers “I’ve hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control.”
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said “I’ve got a better idea … let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”
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This is a collection of ongoing divorce humor. If it is clean, please submit your favorite jokes or stories.
